Sometimes we just aren’t that wise. Could that be welcome too?…
Musings on Heart Powered Human Leadership
I have been experiencing symptoms of burnout lately, so it was a bit annoying when my octogenarian neighbour said: ‘Haven’t you just had a three month holiday?’ So, yes my sabbatical was indeed a work holiday but in no way was it a life holiday, and then I came back to what seemed a lot to do to catch up, so I ended up six weeks later becoming bone tired and mentally exhausted.
I said Yes to things I would have benefitted from saying No to, and said No to things that might have helped me thrive more. On reflection, perhaps I was not always letting wisdom lead… I can see too that at times there was an unconscious pattern in the driving seat.
Why did that happen — especially when I know better?
Now that is the question…
Here are some of the patterns I am seeing — although to be honest it might take a little more space and reflection to see the impact of some of these even more deeply.
1. I like saying yes to possibility. When people ask me to do things. I always see with enthusiasm and vision what could be good about it and rarely think about the downsides (my mouth writes cheques my future me can’t cash.)
2. I forget I am human and that I actually work best to the rhythm of life versus my own tightly constructed and planned schedule. I can have a little internal whip that makes me do what I should be doing, or think intellectually is a good idea — but my body often has to play catch-up.
3. I forget that what goes up must come down (see Pattern Two) and we humans are much more like trees than washing machines. We can’t just push a button and go at will. When we put out lots of energy, we will need to replenish. We cannot give from an empty cup. Even trees take time to rest from flowering and fruiting in the winter.
4. I want to please, feel needed and rescue I would really like this not to be true — I would like to deny it or feel I have transcended it, as it feels especially icky and unwanted — and yet the truth is I can see glimpses of this everywhere. I think this is the sneaky main reason that I got myself exhausted.
5. If I don’t say yes, then….. (something bad will happen) — in a way this is the opposite of Pattern One, in that, I can tend to see all the risks of saying no and none of the benefits. I think this might also be because of the compelling hidden driving nature of Pattern Four.
6. I don’t want to be seen as flaky so I have to do that thing I should do/said I would do (fill in the blank). This is a more recent seeing that has been hidden in the shadows until my fellow wise woman pointed it out. The notion of avoiding being flaky at all costs is behind a lot of activity. Over the years, I have made quite a bit of progress on following flow over formula, but I notice that having Pattern One of saying an enthusiastic yes — can often lead to problems down the track.
The weird thing is, I was getting the balance right most of the time before my sabbatical, it is like I forgot everything I had learned about space, reflection, quiet, boundaries and following my own flow — it was like I had forgotten my Wise Woman Ways.
My theory on this kind of thing is that I am always the Creator, the one who speaks my yes’s and no’s there is no-one else making me do/say anything (despite how it might seem). So in the spirit of Life is happening for/as/through you (I talk more about this in my blog) Kintsugi: the art of embracing imperfection I can see I made this happen. As to why I made it happen I am the creator of that too. I am going with the idea that I needed to experience the cost of the patterns — one more time — with greater insight, perspective and clarity in order to really see through them and have some chance of letting them go. Like a swansong experience.
I needed to bring these habitual patterns or ways of being — out of the shadows and into the light. And maybe that is exactly what needed to happen.
When I can see them for the simple conditioning or patterns that they are — I am left with a kind of So What. Sometimes I am in alignment, flow and listening into wisdom, and sometimes I am stuck in a pattern. Oh well. That’s just me and the rest of the human race. Remembering and Forgetting our own wisdom.
What I am seeing is that when I allow and embrace my imperfections (which btw is really me comparing myself to an ideal version of me and not living up to it) and welcome the wise and the unwise — I notice I am fully free to be.
When I am free to be, I see more about me and everything around me with less judgement and more acceptance and that has got to be a good thing. In fact I’d say it’s wiser.
So maybe even my recent ‘burnout as illumination’ experience was indeed, Wise Woman Ways after all.
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