Do not lose heart. We were made for these times.
So here we all are. In the shit. My family or I may get sick — and although its unlikely, we may be hospitalised or worse. Life as we know it is over and may very well never be the same again. My mum is 78 years old and on the other side of the world — who knows what is in store for her and when or even if I will see her again. My business prospects are very uncertain and I am the main breadwinner. I am facing a long time holed up with some shall we say big characters. My shit is probably pretty similar to your shit. And yet there is something I am certain of. I truly feel alive, inspired and full of hope.
We were made for these times.
It feels like everything I have been learning, experiencing and dealing with in my own life has been some kind of training for this most important marathon. I have been through a lot of change. And quite a bit of loss and death. I have lived with uncertain prospects financially and worries about family members. I have been deeply disappointed, had client work fall away unexpectedly and health anxieties.
I have been in training for what is happening right now my whole life. We are all resilient by nature even if we don’t feel it right now. But I only got here because of all the things that have already happened (to/for me) and all the ways in which I have already suffered loss, grief, disappointment and change. All the ways in which my dreams were smashed and my hopes dashed and my heart broken. You know. You too right?
Resilience is what we must have discovered. And right now, somehow, I notice am clear, I am calm and I feel grounded in my common sense. I feel resilient. And I’d like to help others have the same. To lead themselves and others in this time of REAL CHANGE. With hindsight — our past wounds have shown us our resilience and helped us to gain a fresh perspective.
Our wounds bleed gold.
So here’s my perspective of what is making sense to me…
When shit happens — you have two options.
1. Get upset. Panic, catastrophise, spiral and ruminate. Bitch, moan and complain. Create a compelling story that dramatises about how disastrous and not ok it is. Get very urgent and reactive. Focus on how bad it feels or might feel. Stuff the feelings down so far they get denied. Resist reality.
Or
2. Experience a fresh perspective
A fresh perspective means you can listen to your own common sense and Love it, Lead it or Leave it.
Life is always throwing us a curve ball. It was always uncertain. If you haven’t already come to terms with this fact, now would be a good time to realise we are not in control. Not of what happens out there ‘in the real world.’ and not of what happens in our heads. So when shit is happening around you — it will either occur for you as a problem or as a situation.
Shit happens — but is it a problem or a situation?
Take a moment to reflect on the difference. Both a problem and a situation include things that are happening ‘out there’. Let’s call them X’s. X is happening — and X is made up of observable facts. Something is defo going on out there.
But are YOU experiencing those X’s as just things happening or are they a PROBLEM for you. And what is the difference? You might say something is a problem because it seems as though…
- it is undesirable in some way
- it shouldn’t be that way
- it has some feeling of urgency about solving it
It’s useful to understand the difference between a situation (X) and a problem (X+). Technically the only difference between a situation and a problem is. the +.
The + is that we wish it were different — in other words we have a story that it should be some other way than the way that it is. The + is your story. And your story is made-up. You have some expectations or desires that you have created that it should be different than the way that it is. And a feeling of resistance to what is. The reality is — you have just added a story — a very compelling and believable story about X. And you have innocently done that. Automatically even. It probably doesn’t feel like a story — it probably just feels like how it is.
You are likely to feel very right about it though, because you are feeling some very real feelings. And when the story we tell is upsetting — well, we just get upset.
Option 1 — Get upset
Getting upset only happens when something is not happening the way we think it should be. There is how it is and how it should be (according to you) and the gap is your stress.
Regarding the Corona Virus, I notice my mind could go off towards a hundred negative future scenarios and fears… how will I earn money, where will I live without money, what if my Mum gets sick in Australia, what if one of us is in the 10% who needs hospital and the NHS can’t cope. How long is this going to go on. Can I even live with my family constantly in such close quarters or will I kill them. There are so many unknowns, fears of being isolated and ‘what-if’ worst case scenarios. Things to feel upset about. And feel fully justified in our upset.
But let’s take a look at the effectiveness of getting upset. From an upset place we tend to have more feelings and evidence for our experience. When you are in a low mood feeling upset/emotional, anxious — stressed — with an uncomfortable feeling of pressure — do you do your best thinking? It’s a bit like your mind is filled with clouds and stormy day thinking. And in my own experience — that is not when I am likely to come up with my best ideas or operate as my best self. I tend to be reactive — my bad day self. My thinking is clouded, my feelings take over, people are irritating and good ideas are thin on the ground. It seems that getting upset and staying upset isn’t really a great option — not if I want to feel better on the inside and have confidence, clarity, collaboration and creativity. Which lets face it — we all NEED NOW MORE THAN EVER.
But upset feelings are real.
When we experience low moods and feelings they can take us down. They can overwhelm us and distort our perspective. And most of all they feel very real. So what to do with our upset feelings?
- We can resist them, try and get rid of them. However What we resist, persists — so the more we think a thing just should not be that way including our own feelings — we often end up just making it worse and having even more of that feeling.
- We can act them out — expressing them to others or over others (I think of this as sneezing our feelings over others). Or we take (often unhelpful) actions from an upset place and can end up focusing even more on what we don’t want and then get more of it — because what we focus on grows.
The trick is to not add anything additional to the feeling. Let it be.
- We can fully feel them — Give them space, to just be what they are — temporary physical sensations in the here and now. Emotion once triggered is meant to move through us. Energy in motion. E-motion. We are meant to feel and for feelings to flow — not get stuck. Feeling is healing. Just giving space and being present to whatever feeling is real for you right now — will bring the light of awareness.
Awareness seems like such a passive thing in the face of overwhelming anxiety, fear, depression, grief and yet, it is the true healer. It holds the space and soothes your own spirit just as you would a child struggling with a nightmare. In that space, your mind settles and finds peace with what is — and a fresh perspective will inevitably follow. Just like sunshine follows rain.
Option 2 — Experience a fresh perspective
When we are able to be in the presence of just X happening — without any judgement of it being good or bad, right or wrong — X just simply is (including our feelings right now). When we see it for what it is — a situation — without adding any story, drama or meaning to it — the natural intelligence we all have within us arises to guide us.
Ok. Let me remind you of that truth again.
When we are fully present with what is, the natural intelligence we all have within arises naturally and guides us to meet the needs of this present moment.
In fact it was ever thus. It is what has gotten you here, now.
In other words — you’ve got this. When X is just experienced as an ‘X’. As the facts without the story — your innate intelligence and wisdom will arise and you will naturally find your own way to lead X, leave X or love X.
You will receive a fresh perspective because perspectives are hidden variables. They are constantly changing all on their own.
Lead it means listening to your common sense and taking whatever action makes sense to you personally. For example — in the current climate of Corona Virus COVID-19 it simply makes sense to wash your hands and self-isolate if you don’t want to contract it or share it. No drama. Just do that. If the Government or others say you need to stay at home for 30/60/90/365 days — make those 30/60/90/365 days as comfortable and easy as you can. Stay connected to other people virtually. Make it fun for you. Sleep a lot, Dream a lot. Play a lot. Watch a lot of funny memes. Create a project that inspires you. Catch up on whatever you want to catch up on — work projects, books, series, crafts, calls to friends, clutter clearing, spring clean, yoga, finally write that book. Do what you can with what you have. SLOW DOWN TO THE SPEED OF LIFE.
Leave it means let it go. Accept that it is what it is. When we don’t add any dramatic story — the ‘is-ness’ of something settles down very quickly and just becomes the what is so. What is so is — a very neutral happening in this moment right now. In the present. In fact, each moment of now is just life happening just as it is or isn’t — right now. And with full presence there is nothing we can’t handle. We were fully designed to meet the needs of any moment as it is right now. When we are in the moment and present — is often when we get a sense of helpful perspective. And we don’t need to give your fear, panic and anxiety lots of focus or resistance. Just let that shit go. When we can just let it all be — it WILL pass on it’s on. Where are you problems of 5 years ago now?
Love it is to have a perspective of X that has more hope, ease and love in it. One that feels better. To see the possibilities of X. I am about to be locked down by the UK Government recommendations for the Virus- to be socially isolated. In front of me for the first time in a long time — I have an opportunity to rest and reflect. To consider how to take my business even more on-line (something I had wanted to do anyway) to write, to settle in to my new home and get to those last boxes. To connect deeply with my family. To read those books I never get around to. To cook. I also see the kindness and love appearing all around me faster than the virus is spreading. Neighbours, Online groups, people checking in, a global shift in consciousness and connection. Ultimately to love it means to see that very same X with a fresh and helpful perspective.
Ok, but how do I experience a fresh perspective?
You notice that there also is a hidden constant. An unchanging Awareness of the variable experiences that come and go.
What is the hidden constant?
Whilst we can’t control our thoughts without adding more thought — we can be in the space of the unchanging Awareness that is our true nature that notices that our experiences come and go — sometimes called the witness, observer, presence, true Self or consciousness.— this aspect of our nature is operating in alignment with a hidden constant. It is your default setting. It was there before you thought you were broken, before the trauma or disappointments, or story you made up about who are are.
You know, the you that was there at your 6th birthday, bought your first car, had your first kiss and went to work a few weeks ago. The you that is here reading this right now — can you recognise that there is an unchanging you-ness?
That essence of you can hear beyond the noise of your busy mind — can connect to an inner GPS and hear a signal that we all have within us, an internal guide, inner wisdom, spark inside, inner pilot light, higher Self, soul. It is know by many names but it is not known in the words or concept. It is know by the feeling or quality.
Feeling at peace, at ease, at home on the inside.. Feeling connected and at One. Feeling clear. I like to think of it as ‘feeling groovy.’ The feeling of just being. And that just being feeling feels good, being well — we could call it Well-being. This experience of wellbeing is actually independent of circumstances or what is happening to us or around us. And whilst our own experience of it is a variable, and we can seem to lose sight of it, ultimately like the sun, it can never go away although it can be obscured (by lots of the hidden variable — our personal thinking)
The evidence suggests that no matter what situations we are grappling with — yes even another’s or our own imminent death. We always have within us the potential for the spiritual gifts of ease, wisdom, goodwill and inspiration that lead to behaviours of confidence, clarity, collaboration and creativity. These inner gifts are our human set-point. We always return to wellbeing — the ‘sun’, when we don’t interfere and create more ‘clouds’ in our mind, false ideas of reality — the made-up stories we (innocently and inadvertantly) tell ourselves.
So in these exceptional times — remember who you really are — at your source. In essence. You are energy and that energy is intelligent and wise. Come home to that space inside where you are always safe and held — before the story.
And remember…
Do not lose heart. We were made for these times.
- Clarissa Pinkola Estes
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